Broken. 

Weary. 

Defeated.

I have tasted each of these emotions over the last few years.  Even now, at times, brokenness is my breakfast, weariness my lunch, and defeat my dinner.  I can’t see the light at the end of my tunnel.  I can’t see my pot-of-promises at the end of a dirty, faded rainbow. 

Anyone that knows me knows that when I do something, I like to do it BIG….so when I have my “life sucks” pity-party, it comes fully equipped with balloons, streamers, and Mountain Dew.  So I sit and pout in a dark corner of my mind; arms crossed, eyes closed…all alone.

But I’m not all alone.  Sometimes in an earthquake, sometimes in a whisper, I hear a voice that calms my fears.  I feel a presence that brings me peace.  I hear a still soft voice that says, “I’m here, I’m your promise.”    

Recently I’ve been trying to figure out how to “Return to Wonder.”  How do I get something back that’s been lost?  How do I feel now how I felt then?  How do I stop worrying about the darkness of “my tunnel” and start allowing his word to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Psalm 119:105)? 

And then, in his all-to-perfect timing, I’m reminded of Advent; the arrival of a promise…the birth of a Redeemer.

 It’s not a rainbow I should be following; it’s a star.  There’s not a pot-of-promises to pursue; there’s a Baby in a manger, a Lamb on a cross.

It doesn’t take long to return to wonder when I think about the Creator of the universe stepping out of the Heavens and into humanity.  It doesn’t take long to return to wonder when I picture a risen Jesus rolling away a graveyard boulder with the gentle push of His finger.  It doesn’t take long to return to wonder when I feel Him take off my disgusting, black robe of pride and replace it with His pure, radiant robe of righteousness. It doesn’t take long to return to wonder when He leads me to a giant kettle—a pot-of-promises—and tells me to look inside.  So I peak my head over the edge and peer into the darkness.  

At first it looks empty…no silver, no gold.  But upon closer inspection, I see my promise at the very bottom of the pot…a tiny drop of his blood. 

Peace. 

Freedom. 

Life.

The wonder has returned.

After months of studying, working, and wishing I were sleeping, I’m finally home for Christmas. It’s a good thing, too, because this semester was a tough one. I probably don’t have to elaborate because you all know the drill—hard classes, busy schedule, ramen noodle overload, etc. Point is, it’s a very timely break. Particularly since I’ve been in college, Christmas has become a time of catch-up for me. I finally have time to spend with friends and family. I can catch up on all the TV shows I’ve been meaning to watch (Downton Abbey, anyone?) and books I’ve been meaning to read (I’m taking suggestions on this one).

More than anything, I need this time to catch up with God. This past fall was the most complacent season of my life. I feel that I knowingly, and somewhat unapologetically, replaced God’s presence in my life with other things—and even though it was my own doing, I’ve skirted responsibility by telling myself that He was hard to find.

Pastor Chris’s series “Return to Wonder” is the perfect description of what I feel I need this Advent season.  As a kid that went from an incredible Christian family and church straight into a Christian school, I’m very blessed—but there are just so many God-things swimming around in my brain from the past 20 years that I’ve lost my focus. I need to remember why I choose to follow Christ in the first place.

Advent, I think, is the perfect season for this. Its parallel in the spring, which a2 has come to celebrate similarly, is Lent. I’ve always seen Advent and Lent as times of reflection. They embody reverence, quietness, and anticipation of the celebrations to come—Christmas and Easter. But there’s something beautiful to me about what Advent celebrates specifically. Lent and Easter are powerful in that they represent Christ’s ultimate work for us. It’s pretty important, seeing as it determines our entire existence and all. Even so, it’s partly focused on us as humans. The celebration of Christmas foreshadows all of this–there’s so much more of the story to come–but on that night, the only thing Jesus had done so far was exist. And that was enough. And it’s still enough.

Over the next few weeks, I want to return to a place where I can praise God for no other reason than because He’s God. I want to be completely blown away by the beauty of Christ the way those shepherds and wise men must have been by simply looking at Him. I want to return to wonder.

Hey a2! I hope you’re having a great day! I’m Austen Miller, I’m a freshman at Spain Park High School, and I haven’t been a Christian very long, so instead of telling y’all about a Christmas experience I’m going to tell y’all how I came to know Christ…

When I was in about seventh grade, I was looking forward to going to a2sm because we were in between series and that meant we were gonna goof off, so I was pumped. Then when my mom was pulling into the parking lot, I got a text from Darrell that said something like this, “Come to a2sm tonight! Nick Johnson is going to be telling us about his time at YWAM! See you at five…” So I was pretty close to being like, ” You know mom, I don’t really HAVE to go tonight” or something like that, but I figured that it wouldn’t be long and then we could play sardines. So I went in sat on the top step thingy right in front of where Nick would be talking.

The whole time he was talking I was just hoping he was done, until he told us about him and his prayer team going and praying over this sick man. When they prayed, he just starting talking, a lot, and everyone around him was so excited so someone in Nick’s team asked what the man was saying and they said that they didn’t know, but he hadn’t talked in months. That was the only thing I remember from what he said because for the next half hour or so I was just thinking, “Just asking God to help this stranger healed him, that would be so cool to see. Maybe I should go do YWAM, and help God.” Then I just remember almost tearing up because I realized that GOD did this and GOD put me in the youth room that night so I could see HIS glorious light. God wanted me to see that He is the ultimate Provider. And that I need to trust him instead of anything else.

I now know that I need to serve God after high school, so I started saving and now I am so thankful that Darrell almost forgot to text us that night. And that is my testimony. I hope you enjoyed it and learned something. God bless!

Austen Miller is a Freshman at Spain Park Highschool and a member of a2sm. After hearing Nick Johnson speak, Austen realized that God had called him to pursue YWAM after High School. Last year for Christmas, Austen received a jar as one of his Christmas presents. Ever since, he has been using this to save for YWAM and puts spare change any chance he gets.

“I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas day

Their old familiar carols play,

And wild and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come,

The belfries of all Christendom

Had rolled along the unbroken song

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way

The world revolved from night to day,

A voice, a chime, a chant sublime

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head

“There is no peace on earth,” I said,

“For hate is strong and mocks the song

 Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail

With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Background:

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was an American poet who lived from 1807 to 1882. He wrote this poem, originally titled “Christmas Bells,” in 1863, in the middle of the American Civil War and shortly after the unexpected death of his wife. In it, he laments the dissonance of the voice of the bells he hears with the hatred of the men he sees. However, he is quickly reminded of the promise of the Lord to reconcile men to Him in His birth and His plan to restore the world in the Second Advent.

Poem & Background provided by Caley Goins.

His once priceless grace becomes a rusty ole crutch

And I become used to its hardened touch

His unconditional love starts falling apart

Because I have forgotten it never had a start

His incomprehensible sacrifice becomes a silly holiday

And I give nothing more than what I want to pay

Instead of morning praise

I just go through my days

Help me Lord to return in love, wonder and awe

So that I may be Your best servant of all

Help me want You more than fleeting things

That bring the moth and decay who sing

“Your shine I will take  

In rust I will make

You useless as trash

That turns into ash”

You who are precious and Creator

Restore this heart to look like its Maker

There are so many ideas that run through my head. I see them becoming a reality but then I hear a small whisper say, “YOU?! You can never accomplish that.”  Has anyone else ever heard a voice like that or is it just me?  This small whisper keeps me from doing a lot of things I would love to pursue.  Why is it that I let this voice get to me?

Often, this voice is accompanied by memories of my past sins. My past can make me feel unworthy of so many dreams I have for my future and ashamed too. These sins, although they happened many years ago, still carry the same pain as if it had just happened. When that mental beating happens, I feel broken and unlovable like I did before I met God.  Most of the time, it really gets me down in the dumps.  I get that suffocating feeling again like I’m spiraling down a never-ending hole. And all of this is simply because of my mental battle with shame.

I wish I could forgive and forget like God does. Wouldn’t that just be amazing?!  I have to constantly remind myself that I have been forgiven from every single sin I have ever committed and that I am no longer the person I used to be.

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Hebrews 8:12

I think we’ve all felt like this at one point in our life.  We know we have been forgiven and that God has cast our sins into the deepest part of the ocean, but when we listen to that whisper, we let it bring us back to that place we used to be.  I still struggle with this, but I can honestly say I am getting better. The Lord reminds me every day how much I am loved and how I have been forgiven.  We are purified from all unrighteousness so there is no reason to let the guilt fester and eat us up like I so often do.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

This advent season has me thinking of the dreams that I have quietly locked away. Advent reminds me that God has given me grace, mercy, and forgiveness so I have no reason to be ashamed and not pursue them.  He has given me a new life, a new beginning.

The new beginning for this hurting world started with a Baby in a manger…so small and innocent. Yet, He was the One to save us all.  Sometimes our dreams start off small but oh the things God can do with that tiny spark that He Himself ignites and fuels if we allow Him to.  Recently, those dreams that were quietly locked away have been resonating in my thoughts and in my heart. Being confident in the new person that God has made me, I look forward with excitement to see these dreams come to pass.  Whether it be now or years from now, I will be patient and wait for God’s timing.

 ”Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!”   2 Corinthians 5:17 (AMP)

The roads are not a friendly place to be at around 5:30 p.m., especially a busy road like Highway 150 that’s full of frustrated folks trying to get home after a long day at work.  I discovered this just last week when I was on my way home and had to slam on my breaks because the car in front of me did so and as a result the car behind me had to do the same.  Well this was apparently to his disliking because as he drove past me he shot me the classic “birdie”.  As he drove past, I didn’t really know how to react and thought to myself, “I wonder how Christ would react” and so I responded with a simple “God bless you man.”  I know, at this point you’re probably thinking, is this guy really going to write about being shot the bird on our church’s blog?  Well this event reminded me of the importance of patience, especially this time of year.

 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”  James 1:19-20

Today’s world has shifted into a “give me what I want and give it to me now” world!  I know that at Chick-fil-A, we are supposed to get you in and out of our drive-thru in less than 2 minutes.  This is just an example of how demanding we can be at times.  Something that I am struggling with now is having patience with God and with what I feel he wants of me.  I just wish I could hurry up and move out for college, graduate, get a great job, start a family, change the world—but there is one thing I am missing from all this and that is patience.  I need to realize that God has everything under control and that as long as I continue to pursue God, He will continue to pursue me and all of the things I listed above will happen, but on God’s time, not mine.  God created the universe!  He has put up with a world of sinners since…well forever!  He has showed us patience our entire lives and desires us to do the same.  So the next time a baby in the movie theatre won’t stop crying, or you’re boss yells at you, or Auburn loses a football game, or someone slams on their breaks…remember patience!

Christmas is a beautiful time of year, but with it comes frustration, anxiety, stress, and most of all…procrastination!  Have patience this season, and remember that no matter how many bad gifts you get, you have already received the best Christmas present of all…Jesus Christ! Jesus was the most patient person that ever walked the earth, and God is even more patient than we can ever imagine.  So I would like to invite you to join me this season of celebration to practice patience, as Jesus did.  Besides, if we are celebrating the birth of Jesus are we not also celebrating everything he stood for, which includes among many other things, patience?  Patience provokes closer relationships with people and with God, it helps limit stress and frustration, and 9 out of 10 scientists say it can lengthen your life by 7.5 years! (just kidding about that last part).  I guess my parents were right all those times they told me that patience was a virtue!  Who would have guessed it?

Even though this year is quickly wrapping up, it is never too late to start—I mean God started loving us way before we were even born!  I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year full of patience!

Zach Walker is a Senior at Pelham High School and a member of a2sm. He has been accepted to the University of Georgia and will start there in the fall of 2013. Zach wants to be a business owner after graduating from college.

Do.

One word, two letters. Simple enough, yet somehow it’s become the syllable that haunts me.

Even in writing this post, I watch the cursor blink as I decide whether I’m going to be real or try to smooth out the rough edges. Sometimes, I hate the word “do.”

Let me explain. I am a list maker. I write out to-do lists for pretty much every area of life. Yellow pads are filled with work assignments, sticky notes clutter my purse, and my email inbox consists mostly of reminders—things I need or want to do.

Each new year begins with an index card of goals, displayed in our kitchen to measure progress as the months go by. Before heading to the grocery store, I plan our meals for the week. I write out what we need. I re-write the list, organizing each ingredient by location in the store. In these moments, I am the epitome of dork.

As any good dork, I also love to learn. NPR is my go-to station, and reading is my most loved hobby. I take notes during sermons mainly because I can’t not take notes when someone wise is speaking. So far, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. After all, being dorky isn’t so bad when you’re an adult, right?

And then, one day in May, I see this:

“A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by acting.” —Henry David Thoreau

At first, a nice quote, maybe a contender for our chalkboard. A few days later, something to work into one of my goals for 2013—won’t that be clever? But then, reality.

I am a list maker. I am a reader. But I am not a doer.

That first Christmas, God sent His only son. For my salvation, yes, but also so I could live an abundant life. Yet my prayers for that abundant life—a strong marriage, a healthy body, lasting friendships, financial provision, wisdom, direction, you name it—sometimes felt as though they fell on deaf ears.

I own a copy—no two!—of the greatest book ever written. I devour memoirs, fiction and self-help books, jotting down thoughts and committing lessons learned by others to memory. I’m often moved—by sermons, stories, movies, songs—to tears.

I know what to do. I spend time writing it all down.

But I’m realizing—slowly, begrudgingly—that knowledge and planning won’t cut it. I have to put it into action. God isn’t going to wrap an abundant life in a pretty box, tie it up with strings, and sit it under my tree. He already sent His son. Am I really that lazy?

His word tells me what to do. His spirit is ready and willing—longing, even—to guide me. It’s time for me to put down the books, set aside my lists and notes, and act.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” —James 1:22

2012….

For me, a year that will live in infamy. I don’t really know how to say it nicely, but this year has been the year from hell. I’ve come upon more struggles, just one after the other, than I ever have in my life. They’ve ranged from physical to mental to spiritual to you name it. And I recognize that it could be worse. I know that…. But some days I can’t help but ask God, “Why this? Why now? Why can’t you just fix it all?” A lot of the time, I picture God just sitting there waiting for me to answer or to see the answer in his face. He doesn’t speak to me. He doesn’t point to some heavenly scroll. He just looks at me. Of course this image is pure imagination and probably some sort of psychological projection, but I feel it truly illustrates how I feel. God is there, but sometimes he’s so silent. When he’s silent, sometimes we forget to watch for his movement. And that’s the loneliest place to be.

Many times God seems silent and motionless because we aren’t seeking his voice and movement. I understand that. But I do pray and I do look at everything wondering where He is. I just can’t quite grasp what’s going on here. That is, I COULDN’T grasp, until yesterday.

Several weeks ago I bought my wife, Katie, a little glass pebble that had a cross and the word “hope” written inside. Since the day I bought it, that little pebble has sat in a bowl full of change on a table in the foyer of our apartment. I’d honestly forgotten about it.  Yesterday, I was low. Just at the absolute bottom. Nothing in the world could’ve brightened my spirits. As I was walking toward the door to go out for a day of job hunting (I’ve been without steady work the majority of the year), I looked down at the floor and there sat that little pebble, “Hope“. I picked it up and rolled it around in my hand, feeling its message creep into me. Tossed it up, caught it, then dropped it back in its change filled bed and went about my day.

After a few hours on the job hunt I came home, still jobless, still depressed, still hopeless. And there it was again. Lying in the middle of the floor, waiting on me to pick it up. So I picked it up, took a picture of it with my phone, posted it to Facebook and Instagram, and pondered over it again. It was like a little sign or miracle. I imagined God was saying, “I know things are hard right now, but keep hope. Things can and will get better.” Now, in reality, it was probably my cat jumping up on the table and knocking the pebble on the floor, but can’t God use those silly little situations to speak to us? I think so, and it’s the closest I’ve felt to him in a very long time.  Just something little. And possibly just coincidental. But it helped.

I still don’t have a job. I still have all of the problems I had before, but there’s always hope. And hope is what I’d lost and what I’d forgotten about. God is still there. He’s still listening and doing and saying the things that need to be listened to, done, and said. We don’t always hear him, see him, or feel him, but He’s really there. And sometimes when we can’t experience those things, hope can help us find them again. And it is hope that drives the Advent season.

We look back on the hope that the faithful of old held that God would send his messiah to save the world. We look forward to the hope that he will return and cleanse the world and set all that’s wrong to right, which reminds me of a line from a song that has always been a source of hope for me: “Christ, if you’re ready to come back. Well, I think I’m ready for you to come back. But if you want to stay where ever exactly it is You are, that’s okay too. It’s really none of my business.” We all hold out hope that Christ will return before our life is at its end, but we also have to maintain hope for the day to day goings on of life. Its imperative. Especially in these hard times we all face. So, I beg you. Keep hope. No matter what, always hold out hope. It feeds the best parts in us all….

Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all of your sight.

– Mumford & Sons, “Hold on to What You Believe”

And so the Lord says, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote. Because of this, I will once again astound these hypocrites with amazing wonders. The wisdom of the wise will pass away, and the intelligence of the intelligent will disappear.”

- Isaiah 29:13-14 (NLT)

During this Advent season of meditating on the gift and savior we have in Jesus Christ and amidst Pastor Chris’s series on returning to wonder, I am faced head on with my personal spiritual struggle with apathy.  And to say struggle is an understatement.  While I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember, the past several years have been largely void of any feeling of closeness to God.  This lack of sensing God’s presence has led to an absence of any spiritual motivation, inspiration, calling, desire, passion, or wonder.  This is not to say there haven’t been glimpses of God’s presence in my life over the past few years, but nothing with staying power that provides the same sense of wonder from my youth (I still think I’m youthful, but relatively speaking of course).  I certainly do not want to imply that God has not been faithful to me throughout these years or that I am not grateful for the multitude of blessings He has given me.  God has always provided me with more love, grace, and opportunity than I could ever deserve or want.

Yet, of the four things Pastor Chris talked about that might steal our wonder, the first three have absolutely no application in my life.  I have not experienced any significant betrayal, rejection, failure or loss.  There have not been any dream stealers or dream killers in my life.  In fact my life has been quite the opposite.  I have a huge network of people who love, support and encourage me on a daily basis.  I have been blessed with tremendous opportunity and success.  I’ve often thought, maybe that is the problem.  Maybe my comfort level with this life has led me into a false sense of security where I don’t actively seek God because I’m not desperate enough to realize how much I need Him.  I occasionally pray for God to bring some sort of tragedy in my life so that I would be so desperate that He would be all I have and maybe, just maybe, that passion and closeness I used to know would return.  But I’m not convinced that would do the trick.  Tragedy will pass and at some point there has to be a way for the wonder to remain throughout the good times too.

So that leaves the last option from last week’s sermon, a slow fade towards apathy and indifference.  I’ve always been a matter-of-fact type person.  I have never been very expressive or passionate about things going on in my life.  Despite this, I used to find a certain dedication and devotion in my spiritual relationship that was fueled by some sort of passion and awe of God’s greatness.  Somewhere along the line this faded into apathy and indifference.  Maybe years of education have swayed me so far to the matter-of-fact part of my being that I can no longer swing back to the type of relationship I once knew.  Maybe it comes with age (I have been told it all goes downhill once you hit 25?).  Maybe I’ve just gotten lazy. Maybe my life is, in fact, too comfortable.  Whatever it is, how can this be reversed back to wonder?

Before Jesus was born, the Jews were awaiting a Messiah.  Their expectations of a Messiah were often ones of a great military or political ruler that would destroy their oppressors.  (I am in no way a Biblical scholar, but this is the gist of what I’ve gathered from years of Sunday school and a quick Google search.)  They probably thought this Messiah would follow all the rituals and laws of Judaism to a T – making all the proper sacrifices, keeping kosher, and going to Temple every Sabbath.  They might have even expected that he would be born of a royal family and have his every move documented and broadcast to the public like a B.C. version of William & Kate.  Yet, that is not at all how God decided to send his only Son to save the world.  God blew away the world when He sent his Son as a baby, born in a barn, to a humble young family without any political, cultural or military power whatsoever.  I won’t recount the entire Gospel here, but the beautiful story of Jesus is a perfect poem about God’s grace that cannot be captured by any human’s words.  Contrary to the culture of the time, Jesus didn’t have to have any money or social status to radically change the world forever.  He did it in a way that no one could have predicted.  While yes, there were prophecies about Jesus’s coming that were fulfilled, I doubt any of those prophets ever pictured Jesus’s life, death and resurrection in precisely the same way that God envisioned it and painted in this wonderful masterpiece that is Jesus’s story.  Dare I say, those prophets would have been in awestruck wonder at the way God demonstrated His great love for us.

It was this thought about the great unexpectedness of the way Jesus fulfilled God’s promise to His people combined with the brick wall that hit me during Pastor Chris’s sermon about the slow fade towards apathy that gave me this hope: what need of mine is God fulfilling in such an unexpected and great way that I don’t even recognize His perfect plan for my life?

Maybe I shouldn’t be waiting on God to give me the same desire and passion of my youth.  Maybe He is developing an even better, more mature relationship with me that is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  Maybe I need to go through this feeling of distance to appreciate His presence.  Maybe this is my opportunity to glorify God by continuing to have faith regardless of my feelings.  Maybe He is developing perseverance in me through the testing of my faith.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

– James 1:2-3 (NIV).